You're worth it

You’re worth the hurt,

You’re worth the pain,

You’re worth every ‘no’, from our kin.

You’re worth the painfully tough decisions,

You’re worth the chaotic confusion

Of countless voices, saying things for my good.

You’re worth every drop of my tear,

You’re worth every love that I had lost,

You’re worth giving up, the things that I held close.

You’re worth the sacrifice, 

the jibes, the scorns, & even the adjustment blues.

If that’s the small cost, so be it, just for you.

You’re worth the worrying, sleepless nights,

You’re worth the fear of losing it mid-way,

Because,
We’re worth being together, we’re resilient.

All for the hope of being with you.

My love, you’re worth it all.

“Love always protects, 

     always trusts, 

       always hopes, 

         always perseveres. 

           Love never fails.”   -Bible.

Afterall, its him!

As you walked into the hospital

To hold your bundle of joy,

What did you think dad?

What did u dream that day?

Do you remember, when carrying

a plump bag on two tiny shoulders

I had dragged my feet

to get home one day?

Its you, I had looked for

As I had entered,

To inform you about the big race

Your daughter had just lost.

I was crestfallen to

See you not bothered.

But you had your mind

On something much better.

The day I had cheated at school

& was caught by my teacher & complained to you.

I was scared & ashamed, to be heard or seen,

Because of the disgrace that I had been.

I lowered my eyes &

broke in a sweat.

You just said- ‘I have high dreams for you

This is not what I expect.’

I stood there dumbfound

I had feared you’d admonish

But this is not what I deserved

I expected to be punished.

And a few years down the line,

I had waited impatiently for you

To return from office, to hand you

my certificate, beaming with joy.

You planted a kiss on my forehead

& u patted my back.

I had felt like an Oscar winner

That night, amidst thunderous claps!

You took a long look

& with pride filled eyes u said,

‘You’ll go a long way, my girl

You’ll go higher some day.’

And that day when on hearing noises

Into the kitchen I ran,

To see you & mother fight,

I cried to having seen such a sight.

The very next morning I was astonished

To see you hug mom & say ‘sorry’

& I knew I wanted someone like u father,

In my own love story.

As you’ll walk me down the aisle some day

and place my hand in another’s,

You’ll still be my favourite hero, dad,

You’ll always be my first love.

Bright Black July

‘It’s not going to work out’ she said, tears streaming down her face. ‘Tumi keno bujhte parcho na?’ (why don’t you try to understand?) His gaze fell to the floor & he pleaded – ‘Give me a chance to make it work, please’.

Couple of minutes back, he had come over to her house for a casual visit. Her dad had answered the door. She came out to meet him and her dad went to their backyard to tend to his plants. They both sat in the living room.

And after some time of talking, when he thought he could, he had popped the question. Her face had turned crimson. She tried looking away, but he saw & smiled. He knew the answer. Just had to hear it from her.

But she denied.

She struggled with her thoughts, fumbled with her words & hesitated to look him in the eyes. He was crying from inside. He badly wanted to give her a hug to assure her that he was serious about them.

She went into the other room sobbing. He sat dejected on the sofa, thinking what his next move would be. He was angry. He wanted to storm out of the house. But he knew, she was the one he would want to go to. And she was here, crying in the other room, still undecided.

He knocked at her door, ‘Please don’t cry. Please would you come out?’ ‘If you are trying to convince me, please don’t’, she said inconsolably from inside the room. He stood, his fist clenched against the door, thinking as to what his parting words would be. ‘Remember this, nothing will change between us.’ And he left.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She thought he had a smile to die for. Just the thought of meeting him would make her get butterflies in stomach. Just his reassuring presence beside her made her forget the world around her. She never had a worry when he was with her. She trusted him blindly & never gave a second thought to anything that he suggested for her.

There were no sun rays pouring into her room that dark day of July. She gloomily looked at the heavy downpour through her window. Her heart was crying louder. She brought down her phone from the side table and dialled.

‘Can we meet for coffee?’, she asked. ‘As always’, he smiled.

He had arrived five minutes earlier & watched her get down the auto, carefully angling her umbrella against the pelting rain. Aqua-marine wasn’t her colour. But she looked beautiful nonetheless. She hated rain, but he liked her coming out for coffee with him.

He was standing just inside the door. He smiled warmly. She nodded lightly. She suggested sitting near the huge French window of the café. The rain drops trickling down the glass helped her instantiate her thoughts.

He had already ordered for her favourite chocolate flavoured coffee. She drew her thoughts from the rain outside and turned towards him. Looking at the steaming cup placed before her, she said- ‘When you were not there for me, I realised what you meant to me. I’ll not say I can’t live without you because I survived through last week. But I’ll confess I don’t want to live without you. I want to live, and not just survive & not without you anymore.’

All the while she spoke looking into the steaming cup and playing with it. She tried looking away from him, stealing glances at the other guests in the Coffee-Bar lounge. But time & again, she was drawn to him.

She tried speaking again. ‘It was difficult to stay calm & sane knowing that you are out with her. It was difficult to suddenly get to know of another person in your life who held so much importance. I felt bad to know that you had so safely hidden her from all. I wanted to know who Poulami was. More than that, I wanted to know why you liked her.’

 ‘I kept pulling the reins of my mind not to think of you with her. As much as I tried to be normal picturing you both together, I felt myself flaring. My mind wouldn’t stay put with working. It kept lapsing into the void territory where it refused to think of anything but you. I’m not myself again, without you.’

He took her hands in his and –‘May I?’ She smiled, surprised. He lightly kissed her hand and said ‘How could you even think that I could have gotten over you? I love you.’

 She looked at him askance. ‘I have never known a girl called Poulami.’ He said & winked, ‘I wanted you so much in my life.’ He continued, smiling, looking at her bewildered face. ‘I had always loved you, I knew that. I just wanted you to realise your feelings for me.’

6 Signal Crossings

I knew what I was heading to. The weather didn’t look inviting. It was cloudy & hot. The roads were less crowded as it was a ‘bandh’. Now, a bandh in Kolkata is as common a Saturday. I smiled to myself and thought, ‘Bring it on!’

There was no more work at office, and I thought to make something of this day.

 We decided to walk from office.

 I had a friend to accompany in this crazy brainwave of mine.

Considering my previous experiences with this pragmatic friend of mine, I decided to count, not sheep, but cars! And I chose red coloured ones. Some were zooming past us and some simply moved at a lazy pace, as if enjoying the empty roads. The ones that caught my attention most were the yellow-black taxis. They would come honking from behind and slow down near to us. The driver would then peep from behind the wheel, asking if we would prefer a comfortable ride? The answer would be a smile & shaking of the head.

 The roads were wide & clean, the plants looked fresh in white & blue pots. The rout was scurrying to get back home, cursing their bosses for making them work when the government had decided to sit back.

I was convinced that the walk if nothing else, would shed a few grams off my weight. At the outset, our conversation was about work, & then it slowly drifted to the City of Joy.  The history & typical stories, rivalries, superstitions & sentiments, that only a localite can relate, I was hearing.  And we were two signals beyond where we had decided to take a public transport.

Chattering, giggling, dodging the traffic, running across signals, skipping over the potholed road, we had done it all. And after the tiresome expedition, all that we thirsted for, was an ice cream. And the joy of quenching your tiredness by an orange bar is incomparable!

The last leg of my long journey to home from office had to be completed by an auto. Period. My leg nerves were pleading for rest...& finally I thought yes, they deserved it. They had served me well today :)

The Date.

She flung open her cupboard doors

Looked up-down & across the width

Rummaged through a couple of shelves

To see if that perfect dress was hid beneath.

She walked around her room, sighed aloud-

“Why don’t I ever have anything to wear?”

She went back to her open cupboard again,

& looked at her collection in despair.

Then her eyes fell on the blue flowing gown

Which she delicately from the top shelf, brought down

She smiled and caressed its silky smooth frills,

It was her sweet sixteenth birthday gift.

She slipped into it & made sure it fit right

She stood before the mirror & sprayed a whiff of perfume

And after hours & hours of make-up & touch-ups

She had finally got the look, she assumed.

She heard his footsteps & went out to meet

But one thing was missing, her nail paint wasn’t fine

He held the door & took her by hand

And like a queen, he led her out to dine.

He looked at her, he had a sparkle in his eyes

“You’re looking gorgeous sweety”, he smiled.

She smiled coyly & thought to herself,

“What do you know honey, of the hardwork 

                                      put into this ensemble?”

The Indecent Touch.

“Hello, Ruchika here. May I know who’s speaking?  Ohh, I’m sorry. I’m waiting for the bus, will reach office in another 30 minutes.” I put down the phone. I had just been saved from being hit by a speeding taxi, which scraped past me.

Ah! There came my bus, flashing ‘K1’ in bold orange. After the 25 minute wait in the sun, I was relieved. Little did I know that my relief was soon going to turn into despair!

The bus came to a screeching halt right before my frantically waving hands. I was smiling at some grouching faces. But I dint mind, I had finally got my bus! I tried to make my way onto the first step of the bus, but I couldn’t. I waited impatiently while the driver was honking, asking me to get on board fast. Some people who were hanging from the foot-board grudgingly got down making space for me to step on.

I stepped on. But now, I had no place to move ahead. Grabbing onto my bag, I managed to climb onto the 4^th and final step. I tried to search for some place to plant my feet, because I was standing on somebody’s beautiful brown shoes. And the poor fellow wasn’t shouting or complaining. He must have been getting his shoes spoiled every day, I guessed. I quickly jumped down to take the place of someone else who inched towards the door to get down.

I tried in vain arching my neck to see if there was any place where I could stand without touching anyone. But all I could see was shirts and smell the stench of deos & sweat. Everybody was cramming around me. In that condition my mind stopped judging every touch, whether it was deliberate frottage or the desperate struggle of every other passenger to get a breathing space, literally!

I thought it safe to have a stronger hold on my bag, so I brought it close to myself & hugged it tight. I was at a loss thinking which way to angle myself so that I would fit in like a puzzle piece. But however I tried to stand, I hustled somebody or the other. Fed up, I stood like that, hanging onto the bus rod.

Precariously, I was clutching my bag with one hand, hanging onto the rod at the door with the other hand and balancing, leaning on someone else. Its at such a point that the unanticipated happened! The jam-packed bus had to take a sharp turn. My right-hand holding the rod slipped. I fell towards somebody standing on the second last step. I let out a shriek, as did the other women passengers.

But I wasn’t scared of falling out. I somehow knew that I was safely packed on all sides. Even if the misfortune happened, and I was jolted out of the bus, I would still land safely upon a heap of people, hazardously standing with hardly a place to keep their toes.

Every passing minute was a pain, trying not to come in someone’s way. But everybody had to cross me and go since I had managed to secure a place right next to the door.

The hoarse voice of the bus conductor started shouting ‘New Town namabe’. I sensed a greater relief as compared to the previous time. The bus came to another screeching halt. The braking of the bus sent shudders through my body, just as scratching nails on a blackboard gives me goose bumps!

I was pushed out of the bus, as everyone scrambled to get down. I collected myself. I was still in one piece, safe & sound. My dress wasn’t torn, nothing had been stolen from my bag & I wasn’t bleeding. Though, my feet looked as if they desperately needed pedicure.

I was finally out of what I would call a crusher. I was panting. In those 30 minutes spent in that bus, I lost all sense of touch. All those mushy romantic scenes meant nothing to me anymore.

I had always thought, how would it feel, the first time when my hand would brush against his?  Would I get butterflies in my stomach? The sudden flush of red in my face which I’d try to hide so that he doesn’t see that I’m blushing. When he comes close to speak to me & I suddenly turn to see his face close to mine.

Alas, now I wouldn’t even realise when that happens.

Ruffled..

Singing aloud all day long

All your irritations, grumblings & groans

"Fun!" it seems to you

and you smile in pleasure.

To give others tension

trouble & tribulation.

Without bothering how it affects

those it targets!

Its all your moodplay

and very subtle 'quotations',

your single indirect remark

your slight hint-ation.

That sets my mind ringing

digging into all past memories

     -bad, bitter & rude

reverberating in thoughts,

culminating in a torrential downpour!

Come back.......no more.

I've done my share of mistake

I've had my share of heart-break.

Leave me now, don't come back

Don't spoil my present with my past.

As you had smothered

my identity in yours,

Now don't curb again the freedom

I have gained,

                      losing you.

From clasping of hands

               to grabbing my wrist.

From 'miss you' calls

               to slamming of phones.

From 'our story'

               to 'your things'.

You had asked - if I'd love you,

and I had risked my all on you!

The day you flung your coat,

The times you lied,

The moments I held back explaining

what I hated about you, why?

As you walked away, jerking aside my hand

Not turning back

                                not even once,

I stared at your receding shadow,

hoping against hope,

my eyes full of love & tears, 

I knew you wouldn't come &

I knew I wouldn't call.

You've lost it again,

                  now you've lost it for good.

I dare not dare myself a second time,

and I know it'll not be you.

BETA, TU ENGINEER BAN GAYA...

What are the thoughts that run through your mind when a class is going on? Nah...I'm not asking you to divulge your personal little fantasies & secrets :p Just the basic angry & frustrated ones.

When the class chugs, the sudden shrill voice of the teacher calling somebody to pay attention, alerts the rest & they all sit up straight! Then the guys (& girls too, in this case) take notice of the teacher who has just walked in. She literally adds colour to the usual lacklusture classes. Her preference of dress colours & more importantly, the carefully matched accessories & make-up, make her a perfect catalogue for a Nerolac ad. Everyday, she would be attired in different shades of a single colour. I’ve had to fight the temptation of asking her handbag or lipstick or even once, her sandal to get the perfect colour palette for my room.

It is during such  humdrum times, that I try to think of ways to make my ongoing class somewhat less dull. The questions that keep coming back to me are – ‘where am I going to use this?’, ‘is this study of any use at all?’, ‘why am I wasting my time?’, ‘when will this get over?’, ‘how will I pass this paper?’.

 We have been made to study technologies & concepts prevalent at the beginning of invention. We have been told, without the basics how will you understand the advancements? Ok, agreed. But we were never taught beyond it. And the expertise used now, is light-years away!

By God’s tremendous grace, I graduated! Graduated in ENGINEERING...ha ha ha! Being an ‘engineering graduate’ invites a lot of lucrative career prospects (as told by everyone)!

 But of what use?

The other day my mobile phone-bluetooth was giving some problem. With all my engineering skill & knowledge, all I could so was- switch it off, hope it worked & switch it on. But, its an electronic gadget after all, not a sentimental little creature, to take pity on my plight! Why would it work? So, I had to take it for repair. The repair shop uncle was an old & sweet fellow. He carefully took the delicate instrument & asked- did it slip & fall from ur hands? I sheepishly nodded.

 “Ahh...IC needs to be changed”, he concluded after 2 minutes. As I was waiting, we started talking. First it started with where I hailed from, what I was doing at present & then he asked, what I had studied. In a very casual manner, looking around the shop I answered, ‘electronics & communication’. He looked at me intently for some time, then broke into a smile. I understood. I was embarrassed. I dare nor ask what he had studied, to have such precise knowledge. The only escape route I found to divert, was to ask him about his family & promptly did so.

I'm sure we’ve faced similar situations at home too. When there is a power failure, there would be someone at least who would call out our name saying ‘beta, tum electrical padhi ho na...zara dekho to kya hua hai’. Arghhh....

And this isn’t only my situation. This is the condition of everyone. Previously engineers were an elite class. But now, with engineering colleges mushrooming in every nook & corner, its a different story. And my state itself has countless good colleges. And to finally answer the question I had been asked every time I mention that I belong to a different state, as to why I chose to study where I studied- fate had it planned!

So finally to end this on a positive note, I quote a famous dialogue “Success ke peeche mat bhago, excellence ke peechhe bhago. Success  jhak marke peechhe aayegi...” ;)